It was good while it lasted.

I am currently sick to my stomach. Between my husband, my son, and I, in the past three weeks, we have had 3 colds, various viruses, multiple bouts of the big D, 3 flu shots, and the below-mentioned fever. Yet none of these things has compared with the wave of the nausea and overall yuckiness that has come over me in the last 3 hours.

And what has caused this feeling? No, I didn't eat any tainted meat. My nanny, my perfect homemade baby food nanny, my gives me tips about toy sales nanny, my leaves detailed journal entries about the color of Z's poops nanny, my finds free classes and story hours nanny, my does the whole family's laundry and the dishes nanny, my clips my sons nails nanny, my checks out books on sleep training from the library so she can read along nanny, is QUITTING!!! [Truth be told, while she was perfect in many ways, she never really gelled with us on a fashion sense. E.g., she asked if an adorable set of separates from babystyle was pajamas, and she also told me to heed the Lands End sale for outerwear for Z... Couldn't she tell by our vibe that my son would be in an Ugg snowsuit this winter? (I'm still trying to decide on which Ugg... a faux fleece purchased from the Basement (as in Filene's) vs. a down suit purchased from the Rack (as in the Nordstrom's). I gotta find some faults in her, right. Make myself feel better.]

Maybe I'm nauseous because of the shock. Carrie Bradshaw was dumped on a post-it note by Berger. I was dumped on formal stationary left on my dining room table. I didn't see it coming, but I would have at least loved the courtesy of a face to face conversation. I don't see the nanny in the evenings - hubby gets home at 4, she leaves at 5 and the Mommish is home by 5:45/6. So she took the cowardly way out and decided to leave the note when she wouldn't have to see me and we'd have the long weekend (I'm off on Fridays sans nanny) to let the dust settle. But hello - I was home with her all day yesterday (work from home on Wednesdays)... so would it really have been too difficult to tell me to my face? Maybe she didn't want to disturb me while I was working and I should be appreciative I had such a conscientious nanny. [If I can take a break from work to play peek-a-boo and another break to get my eyebrows waxed, I think I can take a break so you can quit in person?] Maybe in this age of texting and IMing, she thought this was more professional (i.e. a Gen Yer who writes thank you notes and formal letters of resignation - see, the whole generation isn't screwed up)? Who knows.

Maybe I'm queasy because I should have known better. You see, she is of the "college-educated nanny" breed. And she went to a good college too. Which begs the question - doesn't she want to do something else as a "long-term" career? So when all of our friends would say, "surely she has other career ambitions besides being a nanny," I just replied what I had been duped into believing just 3 and a half months ago at our interview. Yes, she does want to go back to grad school, but she assured us that she could give us a year and she just loves kids. And in the back of my mind I was thinking, well in a year (or sooner) we'll probably move to the suburbs and who knows if she wants to come with us, so the timing could be great. But you can imagine my surprise when she has decided that she wants to start classes in two months and has decided that she wants to focus solely on school right now. I guess I can't say that I didn't see it coming -- but, I can say that I didn't see it coming only two and a half months after she started working for us (and this was after we accomodated her by making due with generous relatives' help for a month before she could start with us).

But I think what is really making my stomach do flip-flops is ego. You see, I always thought I'd be the dumper... not the dumpee. Yet I was basically told today, "it's not you, it's me." When you are told this, as the dumpee, all of these insecurities start flooding your brain. Were we too messy for her? Did she get annoyed that I asked her to hold my son through his naps this week (survival mode is still technically going on - give me a break - the poor kid is so stuffed he can't breathe!)? Was I not talkative enough in the mornings? Were we not cool enough, PC enough, not pretty enough? But then I realize - for a nanny - she had a pretty sweet gig. If I haven't mentioned it - our son is an easy happy-go-lucky baby. Smiles, laughs, goes along with anything (not to mention a genius). We also gave her free reign of our fridge and pantry. We were flexible with switching an hour or two here or there for the family she works for on Fridays. And the kicker? We even paid her above market! Heck, we were such a good catch - she was lucky that we hired her! Well, perhaps it was the classic relationship killer - the preemptive strike. Could she sense that we might be moving to the burbs and she just had to dump us before we got a chance to dump her (which, for the record, we would have offered to pay her mileage, but we would have understood if she didn't want to drive)?

So I'm kind of pissed and bitter. I have 25 days to figure something out. Maybe the timing will work out and we can make that move to the burbs and have family help in the interim. Maybe I should just quit and this is the impetus I've been waiting for? Yet, while my husband just had the nerve to say, "it was good while it lasted" and "now we have a weekend sitter who knows Z's sleep routine"... All I can think of is that every time they say, "let's just be friends," the friendship really never works...

I need to go lie down. Or throw up.